We all meet, pass, witness or experience at least, one love story during the course of our life. The one here, in my humble opinion, is among the best of all. It will not end in disasters, tragedies, or break-ups as often, and it started some time ago; exactly, when God decided to give a soul to this couple.
When the decision was made that he comes to life, his destiny was carefully written, and so was hers; everything, their infancy, childhood, youth, all to happen and be; except that when she came to life, he was just starting his teens .Their life before they met is not all-important except for its effect on their present and future. Each was married; she was expecting and he had two sons. He was a teacher and she was a student; distinct yet destined to meet.
They first met, in her admission interview. From this very moment, their lives became all-important. She was not feeling well; she is already re-starting her academic life due to out-of-her-hands factors, she knows she is good and the idea of interview was more like, ‘Some person will come nag me 4 a while & go’ than like ‘An important factor in restarting my future academic life’. She was not scared, she was rather neutral; she had other things to worry about at home and was passing some physical and psychological changes; as she was expecting a baby. On his side, someone asked him to interview a new student and he went with ‘some light social activity 2 do – & a smile’ on his mind.
The interview went smooth; she answered his questions and he made a routine job with an interacting student. When he left the place, ‘she’ll B 1 of the good students, she looks nice & intelligent enough, …mm.. she also seems 2 belong 2 the upper intermediate class’ were the sentences that remained in his mind. The new student passed the interview relieved in the sense that what she felt was ‘he wasn’t that nagging, he seems an intelligent young teacher in the department… that may be encouraging, what the heck – inner sigh.’ However, when she went home, he was part of her day-events narration.
Days and classes passed and she proved to be a better student than he thought, while she felt he is one of the best teachers she met. Through this academic relation, everything started. After classes, they had talks, the kind of friendly teacher/student out-of-class talks. There was a very tiny portion of their personal lives’ subjects, a larger portion of discussions and exchanging opinion, and some fun talks. The time that passed between them generated thoughts, ‘dare they say feelings? None of them confessed it’. She thought, ‘a respectful, intelligent, admirable, reliable, humorous, and outgoing eastern male. He looks smart except 4 some trouble in his outfit taste. OUTFIT TASTE!! Why the heck should I care!!’. On the other hand, his thoughts were ‘a very smart girl, she’s nice, I like this girl, why did I ever marry early. MARRY EARLY!! .. SHUT YOUR THOUGHTS UP!! .. YOU CAN’T START THIS, she’s MARRIED …. happily I guess?!’.
They kept on talking and meeting during the year; they became closer. She regarded him as the best and closest teacher to her; she further acknowledged his rank as an elder brother and mentor while he regarded her as his dearest top student and kid sister. Nevertheless, both had their growing inner thoughts and feelings that sometimes succeeded to escape their troubled minds and showed in an eye glaze, a pure shy smile, or a moment of silence. Their personal lives were kept to a minimum; but both had their life troubles and deteriorating households. However, they reached their inner confessions; they knew what they had were not mere thoughts, they loved each other yet they never dared to share the word, never dared to, even partially, share the practice of the feeling. They knew they loved each other but ‘there seems 2 B no possible way’ was on her mind and ‘who knows’ was on his. Her view was dimmed of hope due to social circumstances and the sense of ‘in a collapsing life, what hope could be found.. and if found… it looks unattainable and nearly impossible without an enormous effort that I am not capable of’. While, his additional years taught him that ‘the weirdest & furthest R sometimes reachable & possible, life has its own mysterious ways’.
Under different circumstance, this story would have been much like other similar social stories, but in an eastern society, it is not even discussable. It may raise the voice of ‘O, IF it’s a strong impassable feeling, what the heck! Both can have a hidden, secret relationship’, or ‘this couple will ruin their lives & gain nothing, they better cut the issue & avoid trouble’ and if any development happens, both will be accounted wrong; they will be breaking social bonds, religious beliefs, holly ties, much of what should be seriously valued and put into consideration.
Their souls knew all, their minds knew enough, their hearts ached, and their love was kept silently safe. A dream-like hope that kept them breathing and moving around. They both went through their lives, each in his own way. No matter how far was the distance between them, whenever they came close they gained psychological strength on one hand and a weakness on the other. They lifted each other up and suffered an unacknowledged sense of guilt thinking ‘I’m guilty, BUT WHY, what did I DO WRONG, THOUGHT?! FELT?! SO F……. WHAT?!!’.
When it was time to teach her class, ‘finally, I’ll have my favourite class – a smile – she’ll B there, she’s careful 2 attend my classes, I love it when she’s there, the moderate class is brighter, the mood is lighter, I teach better & I feel there R eyes bright with understanding & appreciation, there R attentive listening ears, an open mind, some angelic spirits float in the class, this girl lifts my soul’, were the words that echoed in his conscious up or downstairs heading to her class. In class, if not for a real serious matter, she is always there. Sometimes she is there before he arrives and sometimes she knocks the class door shortly after he arrives. He enters the class with quick searching eyes to make sure of her presence, and if she is not there, all his high hopes of a spirit-lifting lecture vanish. His students know that his lectures are admirable, yet he knows how admirable his lectures are when she is present. A difference that would not be noticed except if another teacher attended one of her classes while she is available and another where she is absent. He noticed the difference, he knew her class is tasteless without her and he just gave what kept his academic performance good.
Let us say that she was usually there; sitting in a spot where he usually believed ‘it’s illuminated more where she sits than in any other spot in the class!’. Whatever her mood is, his class was different, she is sure she will get some more knowledge; she too; has high hopes. She happens to see him before he does; sometimes before her class; she might see him moving around the place or run into him in the teachers’ room, they may have a small greeting or a small talk and other times she just meets him in class. When she sits in class, her eyes are at its door, she was careful to hide them behind a sunglass. It was part of her effort to conceal what the eyes cannot.
I am not insinuating that she cannot hide her love; but I mean she wanted to conceal all. She thought eyes show more than feelings; it reflects mood, psychological state, queries, answers, desires, requests; eyes are capable of doing everything and they show everything, they are windows to the soul. He shared the same beliefs but he was not accustomed to hide his eyes.
Whatever her state was, just seeing him lifted her soul, her hidden eyes always got a full view of him; what he wears and its colour and form, his health and well-being, his mood. She was also able to fully understand his eyes. Sometimes, when she felt she wants to say something, express a thought or answer a query, she just shows her eyes. When she sits there, she inhales the lecture, she usually interacts, and she gains life. She takes notice of every detail that concerns him, she watches how he walks, talks and smokes, how he inhales and exhales, how he smiles, laughs and shouts, how he talked seriously and how he is merry, she loved him ‘he looks wonderful today, I admire his walk, what a sentence! O, you’re talented, what a guy’ and ‘I love him, I can’t love him, I’m not able not 2’ and other, some nice, and some painful thoughts and feelings were often in her mind. She studied him as she studied her lectures and he felt her as his soul mate.
During short and long vacations, they sustained an internet connection. They exchanged e-mails, had some chat sessions, sent e-cards and other activities of the sort. It caused some queries on her father’s part and he managed to accept her notion of her mentor as a close teacher who has a positive effect on her. The positive effect was evident as she excelled in her studies and won her rank as the first. She earned it, and yet felt indebt to her mentor.
When her problems were over heated, she kept all details from him, she told him nothing of what she suffers; she neither wanted any outer factor nor felt he is close. They were not upset with each other; they were upset with life. She was careful to reject any intention of an attempt to step forward, and he felt ‘even if there’s any hope, it’s neither right nor serving any aim 2 take a step forward’. He went on recklessly, while she was hurt but silent. It was an intolerable pressure and she psychologically collapsed. He did not know it then, and she said nothing about it.
Without any outer assistance or inner efforts, her small home collapsed. Like any girl in her state, ‘it’s not nice 2 break a holly bond but there’s nothing that I’m capable of to save it’ was her idea about the events. The fact that she had a child was painful to her, however, she will get his custody and he will be with her for a minimum of ten years by the force of law. Yet, the very same law deprives her custody if she got married. Thinking of the possibility, all was arranged so that if she got married, her kid’s custody moves to her parents. She got divorced and was deeply hurt, ‘am too young 2 face this and I don’t deserve it’ was in the heart of her feelings but she was relieved as well.
He did not even know she got divorced. He never noticed that she is wearing no rings now. He is so taken in his life cycle and she was religiously committed not to have any other relation for three months after divorce. Still she felt having him as her man is too hard to attain ‘was my marriage an obstacle?! O, NOT ONLY my marriage, still there’s too much that stands between us’ was what she told herself.
I can hear thoughts saying ‘Hey, its easier now! .. by the way, R U kidding?!! .. where’s the love story U promised? .. they never really talked about it and 50% of their troubles have passed!!!’. Have they really passed? I do not think so.
At this time, his personal life was on its deathbed. He was another psychological wreck. It was not his inner strength that kept him from collapsing, it was just his life style; he has always been adventurous and thus accepting losses more than she was. He spent more time in the world to enable him sustain damages. He learned that although some wounds leave scars and some do not, they all heal. He felt loosing his youth, his heat, his brightness, and his life. He was tied with financial obligations, academic commitments, family responsibilities and a possible marriage break-up on the far horizon of his thoughts.
At the same time, she was facing the post-divorce family situations. Her father was able to understand her pain, he even tried to tell her that the course of life does not stop; she wont be a young nun and wont face losses all the way. On her part, she thought his words are true and possible if ‘I was able 2 get a life with the man I feel, yet I shouldn’t rush the events or even think of them yet, & who knows what he’s thinking of now, he has been far for some time’.
One day, he was in charge of a friendly trip to the beach held by some students, he happened to be late for departure time. She was there, she insisted he comes and he could have never rejected. He had no knowledge of her divorce but knew she had trouble. During the early hours of the day, they both tested their ability to communicate through their windows of soul. He felt ‘I can understand, she’s not feeling well, she hasn’t been feeling well 4 some time, I know she has troubles…yet, there’s something that I can’t comprehend, something strange, I don’t think she’s encouraging a step forward, she never did!.. guess I lost the sense of her’, and a vague expression showed on his face. While she felt ‘am asking U, R U there?.. U R neither saying yes I’m or no I’m not!! Can understand neither the expression on
It was a relatively long conversation; compared to the large period of silence that prevailed between them. He talked about his life and troubles and she was astonished he does not know she is divorced, ‘he’s far then! .. he didn’t even notice my naked finger, maybe he doesn’t care as much as he did’ popped into her mind. When he got the knowledge and without cutting the conversation he realized ‘then she was most probably encouraging, yet she’s talking in a close-friend manner, lets wait and see, you don’t need 2 B embarrassed, it has been a long time since U talked together’.
Both enjoyed a fiery nature, if an idea possessed their minds, they cannot rest or sleep until it is settled. She had the spirit of youth and he never lost it; if something is unsettled, it irritates and upsets all their life activities, if it is not solved soon, they cannot function and they physically deteriorate. She could not stand the state of not knowing where he stands, and he wanted a solid proof that she is encouraging. They resolved their internet connection and started to exchange e-mails more frequent than before. She felt she can ask him about his silent feelings, ‘we both had hidden feelings, & we were both intelligent enough 2 identify them, he’ll not misjudge my query ... I fully trust his mentality … I need 2 know where does he stand..’, and thus, he faced the question online. Again, he was astonished, but this time he did not loose his control, in a fraction of a second ‘wow, she’s still there, encouraging and asking directly, this was further than what I might have expected…she’s the one and only soul-mate I may ever have the chance 2 meet …She’s real, I was sure she was different and here she’s, when it’s possible she goes for it .. her feelings to U R not 2 B doubted’ the very next moment his reply was that he is still standing where she knew he was. She could not believe herself, ‘he’s still available, caring and wants me!! Did I ever doubt his previous sincerity? NEVER, I always believed in him and I’ll always DO, he sure deserves it’ ..
Some may say ‘the 2nd time 2 be astonished, we know nothing about the 1st time!’ . Do you think I am not aware of this? Sure I am, but at least let me choose when to tell you and trust I will do. You’ve already been trusting me for sometime.
She was aware of the new social situation she is in; and she could never risk her image or rank. Consequently, she requested that he talks to her father; they needed to talk and the only way she could gain sufficient time and have more freedom to talk to him was through informing her father and acknowledging her man’s true desire to have her as a wife. She is free now, and as her father said, she still has her life, then, let it restart right.
He was sincere, as she never doubted. He met her father, expressed his desire to have her as a wife, and was not rejected. He was rather advised not to rush and give the father some time to think, judge and decide. Furthermore, the father announced his toughest request; it was not to contact his daughter until he decides.
This meeting was not to happen without her efforts; she had to convince her overprotective father, who already had his thoughts about this relation, to give her man a chance, to see him and judge for himself, to trust that what she suffered had taught her more than broke her and he kindly accepted.
The tough request did not last for long; in fact, she did her best and requested her father’s permission to contact for a barely sufficient number of times. They had to talk; now they can talk their hearts out, she was not much of a talker and he knows, yet she talked, she admits she does it only because he is her man and it was the truth. They exchanged much of their personal lives’ stories, they shared experiences and exchanged thoughts, and actually, they allowed their love to grow. On the other hand, he was about to break his marriage, in other words; that was the most probable conclusion for his long troubled marital life.
Suddenly, he was offered a decent job contract out of the country. It was not an expected incident; however, it made a great difference. It seems that life wanted to hurry up the match and that it was time to fulfil what is destined. Obstacles are being removed and the road is being paved. He thought ‘as I got the contract, I guess I can go forward faster now, financially it’ll B getting better & I can soon afford starting a new life & my soul-mate will share a nice life start…It’s a dream starting 2 come true’. He told her the news, ‘it changes a lot’ she felt, ‘my father hates 2 B hurried up but I won’t B able 2 stand living without my man, & what about my kid???’ were the floating unanswered questions.
During the course of serious events, romantic moments were never absent. On his birthday, she arranged with her friends and got him a birthday gift. When thinking of the gift, she had enough knowledge of him to impress his expectations. The gift was the complete works of an international novelist and it is published in five huge volumes. She was a reader as he was one. She was keen to take a copy of his academic work, and cared for his book choices and suggestions. She knew he will be happy and he, literary, was. It was the best birthday gift he ever had; in fact, he was impressed and happy to the extent of being nearly voiceless, he found out that it was his first time experience of astonishment towards something she does, and that he recalls no words in similar situations as there were none. It was his happiest birthday; the simple words in his mind were, ‘no other birthday should pass without her by
Hence, now you know when he was first astonished and had no sufficient words to say. This was before she frankly asked him if he was still around. He knew she cares, he knew she is there and she never took him out of her mind. He was just tied as much as she was and even more, he could not have seized the opportunity; he loved her and he wanted her as clean and under the bright rays of sun as possible. If she is his, he will have achieved his life long unity with a soul he sees angelic.
On her birthday, he was invited among other students and teachers. The invitation requested that no birthday gifts would be appreciated. However, he felt this was aimed at him as she might have thought ‘Any remarkable birthday gifts now will arouse unfavorable rather than favorable opinions’. It may be the closest to the truth, yet he thought ‘I wont adhere 2 this, & I’ll do no harm’. He thought that a gift in the sense of ‘something 2 B kept does not always refer 2 physical entities’. He decided that her birthday gift will be a happy moment, something to keep in memory and not to be ever at a distance from. He went to the flower market with the idea flashing in front of his eyes. He took the customers’ assistant aside and asked him if he can design something special and the man kindly agreed to give extra help as long as his customer was not discussing costs. After he finished saying his design, picking colors, size and type, supervising the creative process and adding final touches, he attached a card saying that he is on his way and that he wishes her a happy birthday. He meant that it reaches where the birthday is held as soon as she arrives to the place. Soon after she entered the place, a delivery boy came with a nice birthday cake made of flowers and in its middle flowers formed the number of her years. A wide smile was drawn on her face and her heart beats said the words ‘I love U’. Happy is trivial compared to what she felt. He gave her the birthday moment she needed from him, and he did no harm, he was as gentle as she thought he is and as romantic as she hoped him to be.
Each gave the other some moments to treasure, something to keep him or her going on. Silence, facial expressions, looks and gestures formed a large entity of understanding and romantic emotions. All was spiritual, all belonged to their souls. They never touched except in innocently shaking hands, they admired each other’s physical appearance but they never went through the type of looks that denote it. They just fully loved each other.
When her father had the news of the job contract, he announced that he had not made up his mind yet and things could be delayed for a month or two till her man’s first vacation and return. It was hard for both of them but they decided to wait. Starting calmly is better than fighting for what may come smooth. However, they had a lot to agree upon together, so it seemed to be what they had to accept for the time being.
He left the country and she felt her soul on his plane. For the first time he is really at a distance, she will not be able to attend his classes, she will not see him moving between classes, not a good morning smile, not an encouraging look, nothing of what helps her breath will be available except for feeble cable connections. It was a hard time for them, each felt as lonely as a small letter of the alphabet written on a large white page.
As time passed, situations got more complex. Her father was conservative concerning the information he got on her man; he did not feel satisfied or choosing the right person to accept as a new life for his daughter. Her father was frank about it and she was the lawyer her man never thought he might have. She defended her choice and proved her father’s fears futile specially; when nothing in life could be taken for granted, as they both know through her shortly passed marriage experience. She stood for her man even if he proved to be unsuitable after a year of marriage, her trust in her man, her choice, her soul’s yearn, all made her challenge whatever negative aspect was raised.
‘now we’re nearly done… they will get married & the story of love will come 2 a happy end, yet there is nothing so special about it’.. It is a thought that may seem right, but it is not.
According to her father’s logic and sane beliefs in the expected unsafely consequences of this new marriage, he thought ‘if I can’t trust him that much, & my girl seems 2 B quite determined, then at least I deserve to feel my daughter financially and socially safe’. This was the new front they had to pass through. He has been away for a short time and this short time did not enable him to get financial stability yet, and she cannot stand life away from him. They spent hours discussing it and examining all possible and nearly impossible ways to meet her father’s financial conditions. He never met her father in his first vacation; it exerted more stress on her. He came and left again and ‘am in the same tortured state’ was the painful feeling that kept her awake.
His marital life view was foggy, whether his wife will stay or ask for divorce was yet a matter with no real and solid visions or solutions. He did not hide it, he was frank and she accepted his frankness. She could never share her man but she can never live without him either, she can ‘forsake all, but not my man, not my one & only chance 2 own the world’, it is what she knows and what he trusts she feels. Again, her efforts succeeded to make some ends meet and arrange that her man visit her father to settle all unsettled issues during the second vacation. The meeting went on better than expected; in the sense that they may get married after certain probable conditions are fulfilled.
They were feeling better; they had time to talk about their future life, to plan together, to dream together, they also had the burning desire to hurry all procedures, do all required and get united.
They talked about building a new house, having a small pool, a nice car. They talked about building together and standing by each other during his stay out of the country. She thought of being away of her son ‘am torn 4 leaving him, sooner or later he’ll go 2 his Dad anyway… he needs me as a mother… I wont B leaving forever, I’ll have more than one vacation a year…what about his needs? .. he’ll have my parents 2 care 4 him, I need 2 B with my man 2 gain my spiritual & psychological stability, 2 have my life back, 2 breath smoothly… one day, my kid will move and there will B no 1 left but my man…’. She knew that all is hard, yet ‘am capable of doing all except being apart from my soul, my life-giving knight, my love’ was what she can ever think about. It was the one unsettled obsession that should be settled soon. They cannot stand any more distances or obstacles, they need to be together, they did all it may take; she fought battles on their behalf and he did all he could to fulfil the least possibly accepted to marry his angel. Procedures, financial conditions, vows and promises, plans and agreements, tears and laughs, quarrels, negotiations, settlements, all were more than ninety percent done.
When all was ready and the destined moment finally arrived, he was legally and religiously able to marry her without having to return to the country; she will travel to him.
The marriage ceremony went on silently; her family was not happy, his family was silent and felt strange, the house showed nothing related to a marriage, she did not even have a wedding ring to wear. There was no one happy for it except her and him. They had a sense of fulfillment, ten days and she will be finally with him. His apartment was not ready for a woman yet, he had the same ten days to welcome her and make the place ready for the woman of his life.
He tried to arrange a decent bedroom, cleaned the place, spread air fresheners with various flower scents around the small place and waited. Now they are a man and a wife yet never met as so. They both had their thoughts about it. He did not expect much of a housewife as of a wonderful female that fills his life with love and be his sole partner as his soul-mate. He did not want her to cook and clean and take care of his clothes as much as he wanted her to be the woman where he can pour his soul in, nourish his life, push their future together and share all moments of their forthcoming life. She wanted his love and tenderness, she wanted to be his all, ‘if U marry me, I’ll B beneath your feet for the rest of my life, I wont B able to pay U back, U’ll B the world, U’ll B my all, my life aim will B 2 make U happy, 2 enable U 2 rest, 2 push U further, I’ll never take U 4 granted, trust me’ were her words to him. He trusted and believed, ‘I’ll B Ur lover, husband, son, father and brother, I’ll adore U 4 the rest of my life, I’ll do whatever it takes to make U happy, I’ll always honor U and respect U and treat U as a partner not a follower, U’ll B my all’, was his reply.
‘then they got married, its all getting 2 an end dear & we’ve been reading a rather tough but normal love story’. Sorry, but whoever thinks this way is thinking wrong. Well, love stories should not end with a marriage, should they? In most of the cases, whenever a love story ends with marriage, it really ends; it withers and suffers through life’s perils and breaks on the rocks of passing years, the lovers have united and each will search for more life targets, it happens all the time. Yet, could this be the end of this rather tough but normal love story? It will not; it will not deserve to be special if it ended this way.
The day she was traveling, she had all the contradicting feelings a bride should not have. She is leaving and her family are not treating her well, if treating her at all, she is leaving her dear kid for a man, she is going somewhere where she will be far from any other being but her man, ‘how will he meet me?.. what will happen?.. how will my 1st night B? will we B fine? Am scared, am happy, am sad, am bewildered & I love him, I’ll finally B with him, all what I know is that I promised him the moment I C him I’ll kiss his hands out of love, respect & gratefulness, he’s my savior & my life for eternity’, all were fighting in her mind and trembling her fragile body with shivers. She was on her way, alone, in a plane heading to the new promising unknown.
In the airport, her man knew her father will stay with her until she reaches the plane’s entrance, thus, he managed to be there; just in the place she will set her foot in after exiting the plane. He wanted her to feel that she was not alone except for the ride. He waited with a shivering heart and eager searching eyes. Her bright face shined as she entered the airport’s building, her eyes were not hidden behind glasses, she was, slowly, flying on the ground with the most wonderful smile he has ever seen. His heart leapt to hug her and his eyes longed to kiss her face. She can never express her feelings the moment she saw him ‘he’s my man - a heart full of joy’ may simplify what went through her mind but will never express what she really felt. The moment her hands went into his was the moment she kept her promise; she raised his hand and kissed it in the middle of the place. Everything was arranged so that they just gaze at each other until procedures end. Words were not as effective as their eye contact at these moments. They could not believe they are finally together and only minutes separating them from being alone for the first time.
He did not have a car, so he arranged that one of his friends drive them home. On their way, they stopped and bought the first meal they will share; an oriental type of food that he thought she will like and he thought right. It was her constant reminder to him ‘U R always right’.
In fact, the house was not encouraging except for the idea of her man in it. It was not full of home-helping appliances or decorated, or even wide enough to feel free moving. It was a bedroom, a moderately sized kitchen, an adequate bathroom, a room full of boxes, books, bags and all sorts of things, and an entrance that could barely hold a chair and a small table. She knew she should not expect much, she only expected him. They ate together and nearly found no words to express what they really feel; happiness was jumping inside their hearts and glazing in their eyes, when they inhaled, they felt that the air in their lungs is forming a large happy smiling face before it exits.
It was the night of their first touch. The new couple had a perfect knowledge of each other’s soul; the spiritual knowledge was full. It was time of getting intimate, time to explore their physical agreement, the ability to express love through moments of pleasure. Was it miraculous? Or, was it rather destined? She never thought she is that willing, loving, caring, and able as she felt herself that night. He too, he never thought they may reach a physical agreement from the very first night. She felt ‘he’s unbelievable’ while he felt ‘she’s 1 of a kind’. In four days time was to come his birthday, ‘she is by my side – a wide smiley breath’ flushed the moment he thought of the same time, last year, where she first made him aware of what she means to him; no matter how distant they are.
It is wonderful to witness how a couple could be carefully chosen and gathered from afar, to create a harmonious form that seems perfect for them. Their honeymoon had no honey but their own. The queen-like treatment she feels he gives her and the spirit-lifting, all-loving, and soft presence she gives him were what made them sure they were always on the right path.
She was in her third academic year, and she had to return back home before he does to attend her exams, thus she was only to stay for two months and after seven weeks he will be home as well. When he had her, he kept on thinking of the time she will have to leave again, ‘it will break my heart… we’ve to endure… it will B hard on her too…I’ll B counting hours till I re-meet her…I’d rather die than let her go… if I did, I’ll die waiting for the moment I C her again … may God help me endure her absence….may God help her as well… O’ God I CAN’T… I will for her sake…50 days!!!...I will, I will…. I love her’, his thoughts echoed in his mind and shook his soul everyday. She did not want to think about the time of return, her parents are not well with her and she wants to force them accept him, she wants to say that she belongs to a man who deserves acknowledgment and respect, at the same time, she misses her son, he has been the only real pain in her heart ‘I miss my son’ was the thought that rarely left her mind. She never forgot that she is a mother besides being a wife, her hope was that she can have both, her kid and her man at the same time, ‘it will B my heaven on earth’ was her description of the unachieved state.
The first two months passed as if two weeks not more. They talked a lot; each tried to purify himself and have a fresh new life start; they knew more about each other, they smiled, laughed, frowned and quarreled, they even shed tears and burst into each others face, they were alike, in fact, too much alike, except for he was in a wiser age than hers. Harsh words were said, but they never meant it, it was always a burst of anger that they both knew was out of the hyper-sensitivity they both have. Ten years ago, he used to be as fiery as she is, but years increased his ability to control the heat; sure he still looses control every now and then, yet he is calmer. This may be due to the sense of fulfillment he feels by having the soul mate he longed for. Meanwhile he understands that her quick temper and sensitivity are due to factors he has no hands in. His mind viewed her state as ‘she’s far from her son, she’s far from her family, she’s still a student who has 2 study, she’ll have 2 leave her beloved for 50 long days full of exams, family situations & motherly obligations, she’ll stay at his parents house as they didn’t prepare a house back home yet, & she wants her family 2 know she’s taken care of, & other related irritating issues R troubling her – may God help us – I love her’.
Three days before the time of her departure, they were constantly crying, they hug each other in three days more than they did in two months. One would have never believed that love could be cherished as much except if he sees this couple. At the airport, he felt his heart is squeezed and his soul is ready to leave with her while she felt she is going to a strange place where she will be a stranger, ‘if he isn’t with me, I’ve no 1 around, I belong to him, what beats in his chest is my heart’ tears running behind her sunglasses wrote the words on their way down her sad face. They left each other and each went on his lonely way, on plane, she could not stop her burning tears, and on his way home, tears were a luxury till he reached their room; there, his tears blinded his eyes.
The days passed heavily on both of them, he was busy with his work and she was busy with her studies. Yet, being busy did not prevent her from doing something she has previously promised, ‘when we get married, my wedding ring will have
They maintained their online contact and had daily sessions, each narrating his day and both exchanging words of love. Sometimes they had heated conversations, yet they kept on loving each other and kept their habit of discussing everything and listening to each other.
As if she was not stressed enough, she had to face many talks with her parents in law about their son’s financial state and his other unsettled family situation demands. She had to be calm and she had to transfer opinions back and forth between them and her beloved man. She also had to deal with her jealousy and wait to see how her man will manage his previous life however; ‘I trust him and I trust his love’ was what always comforted her. Eventually, all passed and came the day when they will re-unite.
A son returning to his mother, a lover returning to his beloved, a father to his daughter, a brother to his sister, a near-death soul regained the ability to breath, all were feelings that stormed within their eye pupils as they saw each other. She was there ‘my angel as shining as always’ he felt, and ‘here’s my all returning 2 my arms’ is what filled her senses.
In a couple of days, he had his own wedding ring with her name on it, an exact match to what she honors by wearing. He also arranged that they have a small four-day trip to one of the nice beaches. The best hotel available was chosen and they got a room with a sea view and spent four days in what they felt ‘heaven’. The hotel celebrated their marriage, everything was welcoming them, and the sea washed out the time they were apart. When back, summer went on and they had many places to go and explore together, it was their first vacation as a man and his wife in their home country and among those who know them.
He got to know some welcoming members of her family, she saw his kids and spent with them some fun time, dined together and generally got along, he spent some time with her kid too and they like each other, he was happy to introduce her to all those who know him and was proud having her on his side. Whenever they were out he admired how she looked, he loved her style, whenever they went out, or even when they were casually together at home, he kept mentioning he admires all, he always stares at her more than once a day, he never stopped doing it whether she noticed or not, it is his true and genuine feeling all the time.
Their two-month summer vacation passed as quick as the time that passed before. However, it seemed that, soon, life may be getting better with her parents, his delayed marital state is about to end by a peaceful divorce, and, on the other hand, financial situation is not stable, some of what he is committed to do to relax the tension with her father is not done yet, a home had not been established, they had no car, and she still had to travel back and forth for her kid and for being in her final academic year.
The romantic moments they treasured together strengthened their spiritual ties. It held them together even if they fought. The time they spent together was not fighting-free; its natural and accepted. they exchanged harsh words, words that really hurt, words of hate and divorce, of separation and failure, they spent hours without talking to each other, they felt sick of the world and of their lives, they hated everything even the air that surrounded their existence; was that natural and accepted too?
‘Lovers don’t do so! … here starts the end my dear – an ironic smile’, is it what I may sense popping in some minds? .. Here is where we disagree, lovers always do so; before reaching each other they do and forgive, their higher target requires them to do so, they even forget they did, and sometimes they prove themselves wrong to get along, they want to be together. However, when they be together, they unconsciously feel ‘we R already together’, the vague sentence dims the real target in love. When a couple fall for each other, their highest target is to lovingly spend their lives together, not to have a life together. It is love that motivated their unity and it is the same love that should keep on growing and aware of itself to sustain a life-long love story. Thus, they are to keep their trust in their aim, their decision, their choice, and believe in it. There love story should not end just because, in a moment of anger, a renegade word of tongue blindly broke an invisible entity of beauty that ornaments their spiritual unity. Their love created this entity of beauty, and as long as they are keeping their love, they can always create better and stronger entities, they can even give them more care and try to catch the con-words before they get away.
Now, its time to travel far again, what tore her apart, was having to leave her kid behind. She never forgot him, never felt less towards him, she always felt she is missing being a mother, ‘it’s a some time and I’ll B back, I can’t leave my man… am hurt .. i can’t just leave my son, am I destined 2 B torn? .. can’t I have all those who I love at the same time?.. .. Dear GOD! They’re 2 ONLY! .. B strong dear, U need 2 B… a flood of silent steaming heart tears’. The steam reached his soul more than once, he felt her pain, knew it and could not blame her for it. He tried to make her feel better, to promise her that when they are back all will be fine, they will be better, she will have him and be close to her kid, yet, he knew that this will take some time, she knew it too and just the idea was ‘intolerable’. It is the unsettled issue that causes constant unrest and saws the seeds of deterioration. Nobody can survive constant pain, yet she has been doing it for some time now and her man never forgot his soul-mate’s pain.
Far they go for six weeks, ‘I want to make her feel better, try to encourage her, she adores cats, will surprise her with a little white kitten’ was what he thought of during their first week back. The second week he bought two white hamsters for fun and the third week her small white lonely boy kitten was home. As he was bringing it home ‘a moment of her happiness will cast a blessing on our home 4 long’ was an expectation that proved right the moment she got her pet. The time passed and she returned a short time before he did. Their time had nothing encouraging except being together, they kept their love, their intimacy, and their fights, they basically kept their love and understanding, they tried to control their bursts, they got closer and their love sustained its glow. She returned back home and he was to follow shortly.
When she returned home this time, she did not stay at his parents place. They agreed that she may go to her family as long as things seem to improve; she will be giving a chance for positive attitudes, be near her son and hope for the best. When he followed, they knew they were longing for each other as if separated for years and it was sincerely felt.
During their short vacation he settled his marital status and a divorce took place. Her family status did not improve much yet it is not showing negative signs, except for reminding her that her man did not yet do what he is supposed to do. ‘I know, I know…what can I tell him now?!!! …he’s already struggling to organize the financial mess he is in & he just needs some time…I know he’ll do it.. I can’t hurry him up dad…he’s up to his word and I know it…I can’t convince U not 2 worry 2…Damn’ was what she thought to say, rephrased it and did, but knew it was of no fruitful results.
Repeatedly, she leaves her son and travels with her man. She is experiencing the feelings of leaving her son for the third time in less than a year. She cannot stand being brutally torn apart as a lover and as a mother once a year, what can more than five times do to her.
This time she was to stay until it is time for her mid-term exams, travel to attend them and her man will follow in his mid-term vacation. He wanted to make a difference; he wanted her to feel they are getting better, to help her be sure that things will positively change as long as they are together. This time he bought a car, one that she loved. The car enabled them to move better, to go out more often, to explore the place together and have some outdoors activity. However, she became psychologically fragile, the blows of separation between her and those she loves increased sensitivity in her not-yet-healed heart. There was no time for her to completely heal, ‘life isn’t quick enough or may B we R not quick enough … may B nothing is good enough … ’, were not her desperate thoughts, they were her fears. He had his fears too, ‘I swear am doing all that I can… we R slow but we R improving, things R getting better, by the end of the year we will be able to buy a piece of land and we can start building our house right away … I know her pain but I know she’s as keen on us as me .. may God help us but I really don’t want to see her suffering, its affecting our life, she isn’t herself, whenever she has the chance, she unconsciously tortures herself for being away from her son… she knows this and she can’t stop it… even if I told her I miss my kids it will never be of any help, she is a MOTHER … ’, he kept on repeating all to himself. He was capable of tolerating pains of separation more than she is, it enabled him to understand her feelings yet, sense they are passable, but they were not. Once more, it was time for her to return for the exams. Back to her parents house, her kid, and her exams. Again, far from her man, separated from the love of her life, shedding tears at the airport, having phone calls and online sessions, suffering the pain of being apart and trying to overcome casual on-line fights where none of them is able to hug the other, cry on his shoulder, or kiss him tenderly for an apology, where they are deprived of their intimacy that glows, the touches that healed what aches the soul.
Catching with her, he returned to spend the vacation, this time he had his car with him; it made life a lot easier and proved their image as improving. He also was able to finish a large portion of his financial problems but not fulfil his commitment towards his father in law yet. The vacation witnessed the first positive sign of family improved relationship; it was a first gathering at her father’s house in a social occasion. It is hard to say that it became a normal relation, yet one can say that they have started to break the ice. When it was time for him to return to his work, they agreed she stays for some more days; she wanted to spend more time with her son and to be present at her sister’s birthday. ‘a week will run, we’ve passed worse’ is what he told himself and, ‘guess I’ll spend the days sleeping and prepare the house for her arrival’ was what he planned to do.
Back he is; he can never feel well apart from her, he knows it is a short time her heart in his chest kept pumping the desire to have her between his arms. A week later, she had to suffer all over again, she was not able to leave her kid anymore, a sense of guilt has been growing towards him and she was not able to stop it, and another growing sense of loosing her experience of a mother without a cause, added to her concealed sad state. She was never able to see something wrong in having her kid with her, ‘what could be against God or Religion in this… if my man doesn’t mind, if he loves him as his own, if he is not by any means a burden, why the Hell can’t I keep him with me’, yet, she had to adhere. It is hard to abide by a law that you feel unfair; nobody gave her answers and nobody felt of her but her man.
Before she arrived, he started preparing a surprise. When she entered their tiny apartment, she discovered that the room full of junk has disappeared, it is ready to be furnished and an AC, a TV set and a vacuum cleaner have been added to their small property. He thought ‘another room will allow her to breath and make a slight positive life change in this place’. They furnished it in a simple way, they chose all together and it really made a positive difference for some time. In fact, they were busy thinking of it and happy finishing it.
A month or so, and everything in the world seemed to have agreed on torturing the fragile mother; her kid was able to correct some of the letters he was unable to pronounce ‘I missed this – silent tears’ were hidden from her man but he felt them, the law has been modified, she and her parents will be able to keep custody of her kid till he is fifteen years old not ten as was before, moreover, at this age the boy will be allowed to choose, ‘he won’t leave us for more time – pain – I’m not with him – pain – am his mother – pain – he should feel me with him – pain – I can’t stand it any more’ and ‘I love U’ cuts her on-going misery, she is suddenly back from her constant repeated trip to torture land, ‘I love U more’ she says, ‘a huge burst of inner tears’, then silence holds the scene. He is aware of each and every feeling she is passing, they spoke it out more than once, had deals and re-deals, decisions and edited decisions, they never figured a way out; it always involved pain somewhere, never without it. Each kid on TV imposed a pressure, every ad, talk show, movie, all seemed to know what hurts most and hit where it did. Her face never showed it but living with her, sharing all moments and uniting their existence, enabled him to hear her soul’s sighs, to feel her burning aching heart from a distance, to notice that some of her breathes are kept in her chest a little longer, to know she is struggling to live and endure her constant pain.
Before it was time to leave, they shared more than one happy occasion; their first anniversary, his birthday and mother’s day. He was romantic as she always knew and she was more than he can ever wish for as he admits. His wish to have her on his side on his birthday is still untouched; God seems to have blessed his request, while her happiness for lovingly passing a year with her man was indescribable. Nevertheless, after what she felt ages, it was time to return to her son and her final preparations to successfully pass her fourth and final academic year. It was also time to depart from her man; this time for more than three months. This is the longest period they had to face since they got married. The distance always scared him and she knew it, ‘online sessions and trivial fights, distance, tears and pain…here we go again’ was what he feared and ‘I promise this time will be better than ever’ was what she cared to make him believe, she meant it ‘I know he suffers, I do too, may God help me tolerate his absence and stand by his side.. it’s the least I can give him now, I know he loves me and he’ll do all that may help… I love him…’ were the words that swelled in her throat while promising him all will be fine. After driving her to the airport and on his way home, he felt an orphan, lost, lonely, heart-broken and spiritually down.
She found her son and her father awaiting her arrival at the airport, it was flushing dry mother-land with water to her. Overwhelmed with happiness they went home and she started her stay. Unfortunately, her first meeting with her parents in law was a real mess; they expected that more financial stability achieved and their expectation was wrong; suddenly there was no one to take their disappointment except his fragile soul-mate. It was a terrible meeting that she had no hands in and far from what she may need now.
What was new and enlightening was her kid’s approaching pre-school interview and that she will be able to accompany him, ‘am a bit worried but he’s a smart kid… thanks GOD I’ll be with him’ she thought with relief. Yet, since when was relief destined to stay by her side? Just as she started thinking of the interview other thoughts started to flow, ‘my dear.. he’s going to school, even if it is a baby class its still a school of a sort – an inner motherly smile – WHAT?!! – won’t I B able to B with him on his first day – see his class .. talk to his teachers… what about his school snack? .. his first homework, the friends he will make.. his innocent stories .. what if he was asked about me .. what can my tiny heart say? .. Oh my God this is too much, I can’t leave him to face this alone, I can’t miss being his mother, I simply can’t … I tried once and twice and more, I even try harder each time… but I can’t anymore.. even if I tried again?! … Am I to spend three more years in this state? … this is unbearable hell … and when back? I’ll B living somewhere far from my son!!! I can’t stand this, it won’t B me, I wont B able to B a stable human not to mention a wife … this must have a solution that does not involve keeping me away from my son’.
An online contact was established and what disturbed her was poured to her man. He was not yet balanced; it was barely a week since she left. She suggested that they forget about the land and building a house, ‘why not a nice apartment somewhere near my parents house so I B near my son’ was her suggestion. He felt that this way his target may be less expensive and she’ll feel better close to her son, ‘this will make her better, it will make her life easier and maintain some stability, she can have both her kid and her man within reach. ‘why not’ was his reply ‘I agree’. However, this does not mean he has done enough to return home. To maintain a standard they want, he needs to stay at least one more year instead of three. When she thought of this, she did not trust he will accept, she only trusted that he loves her, he never failed her, she knows he loves her and wants the best for her, she know he cares, and when he accepted to do it, he knew he was loosing nothing but trivialities in comparison to their wellbeing and stability, ‘we can live where its better for her.. its nice to return home after one more year, to regain my classes and my social circle hand in hand with my angelic spirit’ concluded his internal agreement. ‘One more thing and all will B fine’ she thought to herself, ‘I trust his Love – incomplete inner happiness – he’s great’, and ‘but I wont B able to spend this year with U dear’ was the remaining issue between them to solve and refusal was his final reply.
When this was raised for discussion, it was not as calm as it seems when narrated; it was sometimes heated, yet it maintained its course. His mind stopped responding to much of its surroundings, he suddenly felt falling in a dark endless tunnel, the idea of spending a year apart from her was as intolerable to him as her separation from her kid was to her. His mind burned thinking, he even thought of ‘no need for one more year, I can’t live without her’.
A wise opinion says he should not be back before being financially ready to face life realities, but she is willing to face hardships if this is what it takes to stay near her son. He thought of it ‘for the wellbeing of all I should stay for a year… but no way without her! .. I swear by the end of the period I’ll B another torn, desperate, & a fully ill-tempered psychological wreck ready to burst from the slightest touch, distance will break a lot, it broke her will and ability to carry on after all, nooo’ . They stood against each other this time, she fought for her right to be a mother who lives by her son during his first school year, to have the final chance to live with him day and night before she is to live forever near her chosen man. She admitted she cannot do it and she tried hard but failed and is not able to try again. She did not believe herself when he refused that she stays with her son just this once, hard but passable once for her own sake. Deep in her mind, ‘is he that selfish? .. can’t he help me pass this hard time and give me these moments? .. why isn’t he able 2 understand this time?!!… no 1 can blame me 4 this … am a mother for God’s sake!’, ran the words and increased the heat of their conversation, along with the main issue, there came more to be said. ‘U want me buried there, suffocating, loosing my life, my kid, my would-be career, U just want a shadow beside U with no life of her own’ were stated in a burst of anger.
Although the conversation was cut several times and it was not during one session, it kept running the same course with variations that hurts both of them. She stopped eating home and he did the same on his side of the world, she felt him so selfish this time and he felt she is breaking all her promises, ‘was that what she meant by promising we’ll B fine this time?!!! …. her aim’s no longer 2 comfort & support U & stay beneath your feet as she previously vowed, U are not always right as she used 2 believe…. she’s talking about being a shadow now, about tolerating your absence but not her son’s, about caging her and caring for yourself all the way… now, she’s choosing all but you’; these were the words that flashed in front of his eyes on the dark walls while falling in his dark tunnel. He kept on falling for some time. One last phone call was to give the climax of this episode; he will stop his long fall, he will grab his rights as a husband and stop this issue from going any further. ‘I can’t live alone, as a wife U should stay with your husband, U should grow up, face it and B up 2 your words’ were his fiery headlines and ‘I can’t’ was her critical statement, ‘THEN.. that’s it U stay and I will DIVORCE U’ was his striking reply.
Now I sense someone thinking of ‘thank U very much…we’ve been expecting this, that’s life…this was a nice love story with an expected end .. next time make sure of having more than that’ bursting politely all around. Well hold on. You are right, the story is about to end; I am not done yet.
She kept staring nowhere for some time, the world was silent except for the echo of his final words. The world around her vanished for a while; she was able to think of nothing. An hour passed in silence. He thought ‘is that the end of it?! We, just failed? Priorities changed? .. what the hell happened? I did my part of the deal!!..’ and ‘what’s next’ was what seemed to be a vague question directed to no one that kept in his mind for the same hour. His phone announced an incoming message and through the lines, he read her choice ‘I’ll stay with you’.
She knows nothing about how she wrote this message; she simply stated what she feels, ‘I chose U, U did hurt me’ rephrased in words. He felt relieved, not because he forced his will, but because she is still capable of choosing him, she will not be stable or happy, she will just be with him because she does not want to lose her man. He knew she will be sad, torn and desperate and he felt that it was not her presence that he needed, it was her choice, her ability to keep her vows and promises, her love driven determination to get the best out of him, to let him know he is always the first choice, priority and love, he is respected, appreciated and he is her sole life target . Her reply reminded him that he was and is always her choice. When it comes to losing him, she can tolerate what she knows is a hell of pain, sense of guilt, and a mother’s broken heart but she can never afford to loose him.
‘Why did it reach this state?’ was the question that followed in his mind. He used to ask himself such questions every now and then. He thought, ‘she cant live apart from U, U know this, the longest duration since U got married is 50 days, U are already apart and will stay apart for the next three months, at the end of this period she will be missing U like hell, do U think she is able to live this separation? If nothing is certain, what is it that U R sure of?’, his final revision started, ‘I’m sure she loves me, I’m sure I’m the man of her life whom she will never forsake, I’m sure she’ll never feel she needs to be with me and fight it back, I’m sure she’ll never resent my call when I can’t carry on, I’m sure I love her’, and he concluded; ‘then trust her, U always did, she won’t fail your trust & won’t let you down’.
They met online, exchanged some words and the matter was safely settled. ‘I shouldn’t have doubted his love & care’ she thought to herself, ‘he loves me and cares for me, he is my all … he shouldn’t have threatened me though… he exploded.. I know.. he never means to hurt me… I swear I never mean to hurt him too’. It was their latest encounter. All is fine now and things seem to be running smoothly. There are no unsettled, irritating and life upsetting notions between them except that they are physically apart for a while; yet, they both know they have one in-separable life spirit.
The special fact about this love story is that the couple are in real genuine love, the type of love that prevails, love that has an entity that can defend itself and suck their souls in a unified spirit that faces life choices, tears, and pains that blind our eyes, and above all, fronts that shift lovers’ attention and dims their path. This love story is simply facing all; each problem they faced could serve as a challenge for a love story to get half way long, their story had to face religion and social standards, a life already that is wrecked, family objections, financial ties, no house to live in, and personal obligations towards dear ones. It was hard for me to believe they already made it and got married, but it was rather remarkable that they can carry on and sustain their unity, that they can still stop and think, and that their love has the will to survive.
You may consider that I know all details and I appreciate their love story. I may be the wise man they both trust as a guardian and I may be just a real friend in a dreary world. It was upon his request that I write what I know about them, and when she knew I am writing, she asked me to be the first to read it. He thought it might serve as a reminder whenever they need to revise or maybe it may help others find their way or even be a story that keeps their moments treasured and safe when there memory can no longer recall but their eyes can still read. What came to my mind and never came to my lips was, ‘Y not rayt it, its gr8 2 share
Tamer
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